Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Hey.
I decided not to blog about the weekend. Instead, I'm blogging about myself today. I'm not sure why it happened, but it just did. I just suddenly had enough of everything that was happening, everything that has happened, every single issue and every single event that I've gone through, and I decided I needed a change. I've never stopped blaming myself for things that happen, and I realised maybe everything that has happened, and is happening, is, and has always been, because of what I always say, what I always do, how I always react, what I've always been, how I always think, ended up in the way I did not want it to be, and I guess I had enough after today. It wasn't something major, it wasn't towards one or two people, it was against everything, but it wasn't anyone or any person to begin with, just everything. Everything would be events, not humans nor actions. Just events.
I was born as someone who had expectations. Its not as if everyone isn't without expectations. Its just that because of my childhood, I grew up expecting not much of studies, of myself, to give myself the more easy way out, to expect lesser out of everything in life, except from the people around me. Perhaps it could commonly be viewed that I'm just too carefree, about every single thing in life that passes my way, all except for the things I hold close to me, or the people who I regard highly. I've never spoken to anyone about this, but my childhood wasn't exactly the brightest or nicest one to hear. Everyone had their fair share of problems, but I clearly and forever will remember that when I was in Primary school, I was a prefect then, and I had an expectation of myself. I wanted to be the head Prefect, I wanted to excel in that aspect of leadership. I did every nice thing to show that I was capable, and that I would be able to assist in helping the teachers. I thought I did the right thing. I was wrong. Everyone viewed me in a different way, thought I was a bootlicker, and outcasted me, bullied me in every way, and perhaps changed my life. I guess it was because of that, I realised how things seem to go wrong when I expected something out of myself, and I just stopped. I stopped expecting myself to fight for stuff, to learn to be contented with whatever I have, to be the happy-go-lucky, and never every expect anything out of myself. I grew worse.
The years to come, I became much worse. Its hard to explain in exact detail, but it just wasn't right. I guess my other major turning point had to be during my army years when Dad went to China and left us here to fend for ourselves. I realised I did not want to be the way I was, I realised I wanted to give everything I can and more to heling my family. It wasn't easy giving up the ideas or dreams I had for myself to make this family move and function, but I did it because I had to, and I never really regretted, but during this change, I wouldn't deny that there were times I felt depressed and unhappy with myself. I was also upset that I had conflicts with friends, I realised some misunderstood me, others took me for granted, so basically at home was unhappy, outside with friends was equally bad at times. I'm not sure when or how, but I started surpressing my feelings, trying my best to not show my unhappiness unless I couldn't take it, not to throw my temper, and ony telling those close to me how I truly feel. No matter how depressed I was I would try not to show it, and tell myself to look for happy occasions. I came up with this theory that I could accept any bad thing that comes my way, if it was from people I did not care about I wouldn't even get myself involved, and just brush it away, but those who did matter who affect me to the max, and I would always tell myself to endure every thing that comes along, and look forward to happy occasions like birthdays or Christmas, occasions when I could "drop my guard" and just don't have to endure anything and be happy. But, as usual, this was a BAD idea as well, and I grew to have this habit of expecting more out of people who I regard highly in my life.
Because of the expectations I have for others, things never seem to turn out well, and when I get unhappy with people not living up to my expectations, the people whom I regard highly have different views on me. I was always unhappy because of this expectations which I set, and I realised people developed views on me. I also found out that while I was "easy-going", some took advantage and took me for granted, while others said I was "too nice". I was angry at times, and easy at times, and I never really took a stand in what I really am, be it too nice or easily angered, and never took a stand in what I believe in. I hate the feeling of being misunderstood, and being taken for granted.
Things happen for a reason. I don't blame anyone for having a bad perception of me, because I wasn't even good in the past. But perhaps I decided its time to change myself for the better. Its time I perhaps not comment about everything unhappy all the time, because certain comments only made the people close to me feel worse about me. I decided to change, and at the same time guard myself, and tell myself not to give in to everyone all the time anymore. I would stop having expectations of everyone close to me, but keep it low, and if possible only expect some level from those who appreciated me, while making sure I expect myself to give out more then I expect out of others. And following these expectations, I would also make sure I cater more to those who cared than those who did not.
Call me fragile, call me stupid, I also came out with this idea that I'll change myself so much, that in the future, perhaps only the people truly close would see the "crazy ken", I just decided to change and kick out the bad habits, but I wouldn't expect or show so much of myself up front unless I felt appreciated next time.
I'm pretty sure because I suck at English plus I suck at expressing myself, hence, me sounding so confused during this whole entry. Haha. Sorry, I'll try to change and improve my English as well. Haha.
There, I've said my piece, just wanted to type out whatever I felt about everything in general. I hereby clarify I did not mention names, nor did I say who I'm unhappy about, just as I mentioned at the start, its more of the events that are happening in my life with work, colleagues, friends, family, life in a whole. So I truly hope no one will link to themselves with this sudden entry, I strongly point out once again, it is NOT aimed towards people, but events and my life as a whole that's all. Please don't get the wrong idea at all. Haha and I'm still totally understanding about everything. Just like what Tong says, I'm still and forever giving people the benefit of doubt, so I'm not changing this part of me either.
I need to sleep. I'm feeling damn shag.
Just someone insignificant was all alone at 12:50:00 AM
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Hey.
Anyway I can't post this on my other blog, cause everyone reads the other blog, so my secrets will be in this blog den. Recently, I keep thinking about me and Pz, and how things have changed for the both of us. On the 14th, I just did not feel like staying at home, so I planned to go out. I had asked Melody first, but in the end she din reply, and somehow I ended up askin Ashley. Frankly before we went out that day, I was hoping she would last min cancel, cause I felt wierd going out with her alone, and was afraid that it might end up that we have no topics at all. In the end however, I just went out with her to go Boat Quay cut hair. After tat, we went to TCC to eat cake, and I told her that actually it was because that by right today was supposd to be me and pz 3rd mth but cause we broke up tats why i hv no plans, but I did nt want to go home so early, which was why i wanted to come out. After that we went to amk to have dinner at Astons. During the dinner we talked a lot, and I got to know more about her. Perhaps it was the first impression, that I always felt that she's cute and all, but she seems like the type who's more ATAS. However, from the conversation, I actually found out she's someone who's actually more of a kind that will save a lot of money, and that she doesnt like to spend on expensive stuff. I was quite surprised to find out that she's tat kind of person too. Haha. It was quite fun to chat with her too, and when we left for home, I found myself wanting to go out more with her to know her.
The next day I knew she was going to shop for a present for her friend, and I wanted to go out with her, but I just felt asking if I could tag along, so I asked if she want to go eat ice cream with me. Haha. It kind of worked, but she thought I was emo-ing, that's why she agreed to go out with me, or rather, me tag along while she shops. Haha. Still, I found it a nice experience when shopping with her, and she's really more of a "save-thrift" den a "spend-thrift", taking such a long time to decide on a nice t-shirt which only cost $12. Frankly, I've never known another person like that, who kept thinkin that $12 for a t-shirt is too ex, and kept saying she hardly wears t-shirts. Haha. Usually the girls I know wuldnt mind the cost if its nice, and if they bought it they would surely wear it, and not think if they would have wear it or not. Haha... There's just something about her that's different, but its just hard to explain. Before that I already knew she was a bit of a different girl, she actually playing basketball in her younger years, likes to watch soccer, blur at times, or rather act blur, cute at times, loud most of the times, and very happy-go-lucky. And somehow it all fits the type of girl I always wanted as a gf, but I never really thought of her as a someone I would actually go after cause she just seems to never be able to connect to me. Haha.
Last night, I was still ok, till I reach the pub. We were drinking merrily, and I was always keeping a lookout, just so that she wouldnt hv to drink too much. Me and TT sang a song too, Jay Zhou's An Jing, but when I sang it i guessed i looked very emo, which was why Jess and Ash tot I was emo-ing over Pz. However, something kind of shocked me. Eric started emo-ing after a while, den Ash went to accompany him. Its wierd to say this, but I din expect myself to have this sour feeling when I saw her talking to him alone in the alleyway and asking me to leave them alone first. But what shocked me further was that Ronald overheard their conversation and said that Ash ask Eric why "he rejected her", and soon after Ash started to emo. When I heard that, i tot she liked Eric, and something in me just felt so disappointed. Then, when she was inside the pub, she was emo-ing, she wanted to slp on the sofa, and as i sat beside her watching her tear away, it hurt. Sounds wierd to say this, but it did hurt a bit in my heart. I wanted to hug her there and then, to tell her to cheer up, say its ok, ask her to stop crying, but I did not have the courage to do so, and all I did was to put my hand on her neck as if I was massaging her. Then when she heard an emo song and went out to cry, i felt totally useless, not being able to take care of her. That was when I knew, some part of me was beginning to love her already. Ronald had a chat with her, while I just went into a slump, and just felt like drinking all of a sudden. And i did the unexpected. I started smoking. I nvr smoked and promised myself I never would, but i did it there and then, because I was just depressed over the fact that she cried. I wished she didnt, but she still did. Later part, I found out from Ronald that she was emo-ing over TT, not Eric, which was quite the expected cause we always tot the 2 of them were too close as frens, but I always knew TT din like her. Anyway, it still hurts when she emo-ed. There was a part of the night which I felt stunned too, when TT was trying to take care of her but she kept asking for me to come and take care of her. TT took my arms and put it ard her, and said "Nah, Kenneth come le. He take care of you ok ? You want him to take care of you right ?" or something like that. I felt stunned. But in the end, I got wasted, and puked a hell lot. I guess Ash also gt angry I was drunk and Andy was chatting up the waitresses with TT, and she stormed home herself. It was only later when Andy told me that I felt bad.
Tdy, after wrk, I wanted to go out with Ash, but at the same point of time, I was still feeling a bit emo frm last night. And Ash kept thinking tat I was emo-ing over Pz. So far only Fabius has the true story tat I'm interested in Ash, while others just keep teasing me but have no concrete evidence. Still, in the end TT went out with us to eat Ice cream too. It was fun, but maybe its just me, that I always feel that she wants to go out with TT more den with me. Anyway, I guess I'll just not get into it yet, cause I dun wan to spoil the frenship for all of us yet, and I guess I'm not her kind of guy either. I guess I'll just overlook her and care for her in a hidden manner bah. When conversation comes to her though, I have this thing to suan her, because I don't want to help her so much and make it so obvious, but sometimes I feel when I wan to care for her I cant do it too obvious too. Haha.. dunno la.
Anyway as of now, I'll just live my life as it is, and move on...
Just someone insignificant was all alone at 1:43:00 AM
Monday, July 21, 2008
I'm confused.
Certain things she's saying actually hurts inside. But I don't know how to let her know. All I can do is keep it to myself cause I don't want her to feel dejected for hurting me. When I chose to be with her, I knew this would be a tough road to walk. But I did not know hurt can feel this way.
With Sab, I loved her, and in the end, because I din treasure her enugh, I got hurt. Badly. For PZ, although its only been a week, I loved her more than I loved Sab, probably because I feel like I've known her for ages when I'm with her, when I hold her hand and hold her in my arms, it really and actually feels that I've been with her for a long time, and the feeling is actually stronger than that when I was with Sab. I'm equally puzzled by the fact how anyone can win me over in terms of feelings in just 7 days whereas Sab was with me for 3 yrs and I don't feel as much feelings at that time. And, because the feelings are stronger, the pain and hurt is stronger too. I told Sab the same thing, and PZ too, that I only want them to be happy, and never to be hurt. And yet, I've hurt Sab, too much that it killed her feelings for me. Now, I feel because of me, PZ is feeling hurt too, and I can't help but sometimes wish she could be a bit happier, and I would even wonder if that day I did not hug her, nor even send her home. Maybe if I did not, she would still be with Eugene, and might not feel so troubled by this matter.
I really suck. As a guy, as a lover, as a boyfriend. Because I never seem to bring true happiness to anyone, only hurt. Sometimes, when she says that she feels like just disappearing and start life all over anew at Japan, silently, I'm not only hurt, but I actually wish in my heart that if that she really wants, I will give it to her. If she wants to start her life over again, I should let go, cause she should not be tied down by me.
Every single time, when we take a eyelash and play the wishing game, every single time, I did not wish for myself to end up with her. I only wish that she would truly be happy. That's all I'm asking for. If its me that's bringing her this hurt, then maybe I should be the one disappearing.
When I finally found someone which I love more than Sab, reality comes back to bite me, and wakes me up, showing me that I can never provide happiness to anyone. When my mum told me that I have to share the bills with her, I know, that deep down, these debts would never be fully-cleared, and the one I love will never find absolute happiness with me cause I'm like a guy stuck in a sandpit, only dragging people in with me, never being able to leave this hole forever.
I hate it. I hate my dad for leaving us. For leaving all this shit for my mum to settle thinking that we can settle it. Dad, we can't. No matter how we did. Mum's collapsing. Edwyna is suffering. I'm barely making it. And as the father, you're never here. Because of your ego and pride. Do you know how much I wish that I had died when I was young and the glass from the glass cabinet had poked into me ? Because if I did, maybe you'll learn to treasure mom, maybe you'll learn to treasure Vic, Edwyna and Don. Especially Don. If I wasn't around, maybe the family would be more peaceful. Mom would have one lesser person to care for, or to trouble herself with.
I wish a lot that a lot of things din happen the way it did. But I guessed the no. 1 thing I wished for was for me to not be around, because I have never really brought true happiness to any1 b4.
Life is just so ..... sad....
Just someone insignificant was all alone at 1:16:00 AM
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I started having feelings for her on the 6th of June, from the day of the chalet, even though I knew she had a bf. Even though I knew there would be no chance.
On 14 July 08, we hugged and kissed under her block. It felt as if it was my first kiss, but there were many uncertainties. She still had a bf, he still was an asshole, and it seemed as if there was no chance till the hug and the kiss. We talked after the kiss, and we kissed even more, and I held her hand, and decided there and then I don't want to let go of this pair of hands.
So here I am, karma to the max, third party in a relationship. And its not even like a third party, because we still dunno each other well enough. So I guess I'm pretty much what you would call a crush on her part, or maybe even just a passing thought. And yet, I'm happy and sad. Happy that I finally come to terms that I love her, and sad that it might all just come to an end soon. I hate to see anyone hurt. When he hurts her I feel pissed and hurt. But the worst hurt is prob the fact that she will nvr leave him. And yet, all I'm actually contented for, is just being with the one I love, to see her face, to talk to her, to be there for her, and just one kiss.. and one hug......
Just someone insignificant was all alone at 2:00:00 AM
Monday, July 14, 2008
When you like someone, someone that you know you should never like, what wuld you do ?
If you knew there was no result in it, would u still like her ?
If sumone was hurting her, would you interfere ?
I'm useless.
Because I got this stupid crush, and because I know it will never work, and I can't do anyting for preventing her frm being hurt.
Useless Kenneth.
Just someone insignificant was all alone at 1:23:00 AM
Sunday, May 11, 2008
So pissed.
Why is it everything seems to be my fault ?
Its my fault my gf broke up with me to be with another guy.
Its my fault that I don't have a future cause I did not study hard enough.
Its my fault that I'm always broke cause I never bother to save.
These I understand.
Why is it my fault, that I don't understand my good friend Tong Chuan ?
I want to tell him this, that everytime he laments about his army life, he has no right to lament and still argue that he did not do wrong, because its really his fault ? I argued with him over his army life just now, and I kept trying to make him understand that it's his fault. I feel that its his fault that some people don't like him and make his boss don't like him because he really has a problem. Army life in the office is just like work life. It doesn't mean that if you don't care about others, and just do your own job, you will be respected and rewarded. No, its not. Because everything in the work force is about relationship with people. You don't want to smile sincerely when others smile, you don't greet your army superiors except for your own boss, you don't make the effort to mingle around with others, of course people think of you in a low light. But did you ever feel its your fault ? I really hate it when he blames god, because everything is created by him. He could have been a sgt, but he chose the darker path. He could have been in another camp as a clerk, but he chose to make sure he goes back to MMI. For what ? Why can't he just live his life simple and just accept what comes his way ? Why must he always do stupid things and then regret later ? Why ?
Its your own fucking fault that you gave others the bad impression. Don't ask me why or how I know, because if even your own boss, who always defended you all this while, feels ure fucked up, its not because others have toked behind your back, its because you haven't done enough to convince your boss that you're not fuked up. Don't complain why you have to travel so much and always late for work, because you chose this path to work in the MMI. And army is not your fuking father's camp. Why in the fuking hell do you think that army should have given what you wanted that time when you did not want to be a sgt and wanted to stay out ? Who the fuck do you tink you are ?
Don't fuking complain that others dont understand abt u, cause its nt others dun understand, its u who dun understand whats happening. Stop all this shit about complaining about sai kang. You should be spending the time making sure nothing goes wrong so as to try to make your boss feel that you're not what he thinks. Maybe this time it wont work. But can u confirm that, after a few tasks has been given to you, and u do all without problems or complaining, are u so sure that other's impression of you won't change ?
Everything that comes to your way is a challenge, and yet instead of rising up to the challenge, you always choose to find or fight for a easier way out. What for ? Whats the fuking point ? Everyone got to go through similar paths. Not all sai kang or life may be the same, but why do you always ask that you have better treatment, and that the things you do are always worse den others ? Everyone feels that their own work is worse. You havent tried digging those big drains and still get punished after that just because you rest. In SISPEC your peers and superiors arent happy. In Nee Soon and Kranji Camp you were not happy. Even in MMI, got people unhappy with you. Don't you feel that there really must be somehting wrong with you? Everything starts small. You must have done something stupid or something that you feel isn't that big, but on the long run actually creates a big wave, eg. the smiling to other people thing. If you are always sian, and tell yourself that because you're sian, you should not even smile properly, this means you have a problem with managing your own emotions. You're sian means you should show it to others ? Why can't you manage emotions better ? Work is never happening, and yet you keep reminding yourself that it is. Doesnt that make things worse ?
HAiz.
I'm not the kind to put the blame on others. Because even now, I feel that I have some responsibility that you're like that. I'm in the wrong because I never understand you. But actually, its not because I don;t understand you. I truly know why you will feel this way, but I must change you so that in the future your life won't be like tat. And yet, you never bother changing, never thinking that you're in the wrong, and always thinking others don't understand you. You keep saying you're that kind that think before you act. Did you really think about every single situation when you chose to chao geng to escape SISPEC and Kranji Camp ? No. You only thought about the advantages, and only thought about why others could enjoy but you couldnt ?
Life in Seletar isnt as slack as you tink, but I always voice out my opinions so that others understand me. You ? You choose to keep quiet and endure, and always show that face of yours when you feel unhappy. Why can't you understand that things don't work the way you want it to be ?
Sick of scolding you already.
Just to let you know. I'm feeling guilty that I don't understand you. But I hope you realise your own mistake before its too late.
Just someone insignificant was all alone at 6:04:00 PM
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
God's always there, trying to remind me to stay on my feet, and make sure its on the ground, and not think about stuff which is unreachable. Everytime I think about something happy or something I want, in the end it either happens to my friends or it just turns the other way unexpectedly. Sometimes, I think its because I don't deserve what I think about yet, which is why God's always there to change things for me, be it good or bad, and remind me that I haven't earn the right to dream or want or even own certain stuff yet.
He's fair, and I know it too.
That's why.. I can never blame him.... but only myself..
Dreams and wishes shatter like the glass...
and fly away like the leaves on the ground..
If only dreams could come true...
Just someone insignificant was all alone at 12:30:00 AM
